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Cousteau's DaughterDon't move, don't tell it only hurts because you're thinking. Go someplace, some far away place, and think of clothes & comfort.
Don't cry out, don't make a sound surrender but don't give in He says you're not ten but twenty, with a body like this, you're no baby.
But he whispers that word in your ear baby baby baby
And suddenly you are ten going on twenty, imagining it's all a fable in which you smile little girl-pretty & bite the poisoned apple that let's you sleep dreamless inside the witch's den.
Skin crawls at a child's pace the empty hate inside you slides into place & you are the girl under glass not hidden, but examined and the shame is
you imagine 4th of July fireworks and red-hot embers flying into your man-made crowd, burning and scorching pain away until all that's left is you, unashamed, & some ashes.
Friday night flickers from the TV black-white-black illuminates his hands and you hear the cruel chorus of cheerleader laughs You see their legs, clean & strong, kicking into the air & you know it would never be them, lying here.
You know you will never be a cheerleader because those glory days never began & you could never shout with your mouth open in favor of violent men
There's no shade of white bright enough to erase your internal stains. The girls in pleated skirts are Ivory white, Crest smiled, Clorox clean. You will never be clean again.
But you can't think about that so you think about
Red on a knife, his blood not yours.
Tumbling through space, white-noise to silence the demon voice that breathes inside your ear. A benevolent sun to burn off his sweat
so you could be dry & warm again, flannel pajama-ed, tucked into a single bed, Safe, secure, eyelet lace comforter pulled up to the neck
The strongest deadbolt known to man-- that's what you want for birthday.
You begin to drift, tiny lights behind your eyes, a firefly parade
and some things are known for certain and some things are imagination
but if flowers can grow in the garden no matter how dark the house & lace curtains can cast spider shadows on the living room wall
then you could be Costeau's daughter and spend your life on a sailing ship
On an ocean bluer than a cheerleader's eyes
you could swim with the dolphins & listen to the whale-song lullabyes
& schools of fish could surround you in a silent swimming pageant rainbow bodies too graceful & swift to be captured by any man's net. . .
Then in the morning, when you're ten again, you can count the clovers in your bowl of luck, coming up short but still believing in the magical world of leprechauns. And you'll wait the for magic. Wanting, desperately, to learn how to swim. |